Funny Girl Read online

  Viking

  An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC

  375 Hudson Street

  New York, New York 10014

  First published in the United States of America by Viking, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, 2017

  Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.

  LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA IS AVAILABLE

  Ebook ISBN 9780698409446

  Book design by Nancy Brennan

  Version_1

  For Lillian. The original funny girl.

  Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Introduction

  by Betsy Bird

  How to Tell a Joke

  by Delaney Yeager and Mackenzie Yeager

  In Which Young Raina Learns a Lesson

  by Raina Telgemeier

  Dear Grandpa: Give Me Money

  by Alison DeCamp

  Grandma in Oil Country: A True Story

  by Ursula Vernon

  One Hot Mess

  by Carmen Agra Deedy

  Fleamail

  by Deborah Underwood

  A Most Serious Recitation of the Poem “Trees”

  by Cece Bell

  Things Could Be Verse

  by Kelly DiPucchio

  Swimming Is for Other Kids

  by Akilah Hughes

  Dear Bella and Rover

  by Deborah Underwood

  The Thumb Incident

  by Meghan McCarthy

  Desdemona and Sparks Go All In

  by Rita Williams-Garcia and Michelle Garcia

  7 Things I Thought Were (Think Are) Funny but Were Really Kind of Sad, and That All Happened to My Little Brother

  by Lisa Brown

  Babysitting Nightmare

  by Shannon Hale

  Dear Bella and Rover (Again)

  by Deborah Underwood

  Can We Talk About Whiskers?

  by Jennifer L. Holm, art by Matthew Holm

  Brown Girl Pop Quiz: All of the Above

  by Mitali Perkins

  Over and Out

  by Lisa Graff

  Doodle

  by Amy Ignatow

  Fleamail Pawed-cast

  by Deborah Underwood

  How to Play Imaginary Games

  by Leila Sales

  Great Expectations

  by Christine Mari Inzer

  A Public Service Announcement About Your Period from Sarah T. Wrigley, Age 12¾

  by Libba Bray

  The Smart Girl’s Guide to the Chinese Zodiac

  by Lenore Look

  Bad Luck Dress

  by Charise Mericle Harper

  The World’s Most Awkward Mermaid

  by Sophie Blackall

  Tell Your Future with Mad Libs®

  My Life Being Funny (and How You Can Do It, Too)

  by Adrianne Chalepah

  About the Contributors

  Credits

  Introduction

  By Betsy Bird

  Once upon a time, I got my superpowers confused.

  When I was in middle school, I was convinced that I was basically an invisible ninja. I seemed to have the otherworldly power to not get noticed by anyone, ever. Here, I’ll give you an example. See this picture?

  Okay. Now, did you notice how your eyes just slid across the page to get away from it? THAT WAS MY POWER! And it was awesome. With this ability I was able to slink through seventh grade without anyone noticing that they should make fun of me. Even teachers barely saw me. Bullies would target me for one second and then, like butter falling off a cob of corn, they’d move on to someone else. I was the queen of Invisibilia.

  Until I wasn’t.

  That’s the lesson of all stories of invisibility, isn’t it? You start to get cocky. You start thinking you can get away with stuff. And the thing I wanted to get away with was staring at boys.

  In this particular case the object of my affection was an older man (an eighth grader) named Andrew Seidel. Here’s what I knew about him:

  1) He read National Geographic for fun.

  This was, to me, the height of sophistication, so I silently adored him from afar. And I would have gotten away with my creepy stalking if, for some reason, my cloak of invisibility hadn’t slipped off when I wasn’t looking.

  One day I was going to shop class, and there was Andrew walking ahead of me. Excellent. I was an Olympian when it came to back-of-the-head staring. But then all of a sudden he turned around, and walked right at me. Not by me. At me. He stopped, looked me dead in the eye, and said quite clearly, “Look, I know who you are, okay? I know who you are.”

  First off, that was the last thing I expected to hear coming out of Andrew Seidel’s mouth. Second, I wasn’t entirely certain it was true. What he must have meant was that he knew I was staring at him like a freak all the time. I bet he’d received some advice from his mom on how to deal with me. “Just tell her you know she exists, honey. That’s all she wants.”

  There are a lot of things I could have said or done in that moment. But what my brain elected to do was this: I acted like he was the psycho one.

  I looked at the guy, raised one eyebrow (eyebrow raising was one of the only marketable talents that I knew I had), and said in a voice dripping with distaste, “Uh . . . okay. . .” And I backed away slowly like he was a rabid dog. Then I turned and walked into shop class, where I puzzled over what had just happened.

  The question before me was this: Was I or was I not a husk of my former self, now destroyed with embarrassment? Because here’s the thing: I could have been. The object of my affection had just come within a hairsbreadth of getting a restraining order against me. That’s not good. I should, by rights, have been mortified, begging the nearest handsaw to come and put me out of my miserable existence immediately.

  But . . . but . . . it was just so funny!

  I mean, come on. You have to admit it. I knew that according to all the magazines and stuff I heard, I was now supposed to be flailing on the floor, berating myself. My self-esteem, by all logic, was meant to plummet. I was supposed to care deeply what other people thought of me, and I did (sorta kinda), but it’s hard to be down on yourself when you find yourself funny. Or when you find the kernel of humor in dire situations.

  Thanks to Andrew Seidel (who sort of disappears from my memory after that point), I figured out who I was that day. I’m not actually invisible. People see me, and that can sometimes be good and sometimes be bad. But I discovered my true superpower that day:

  I have a sense of humor.

  Let’s say something wacky happens to you. Like, your mom sets the bathtub on fire in front of a crowd of possible new friends. Or you take a swim test in your clothes and nearly drown. Let’s say you go to a party and accidentally flash your entire class. Are you gonna cry about this and carry it to your grave? Are you gonna give that moment power over you? Or are you going to decide that it’s funny, and own it?

  I choose the latter, and so do all the authors in this book. Every single person contributing to Funny Girl (with the exception of one little brother) was a girl once. And now they’re funny women. Amazing, fantastic, funny women.
Some of them you may already be familiar with. Others will be new to you. But all of them know that a sense of humor is the best superpower you can have. And guess what? It can be your superpower, too.

  How to Tell a Joke

  By Delaney Yeager and Mackenzie Yeager

  A couple of wise women once said, “Joke-telling is the greatest superpower a gal can possess.” Those wise women were us. Just now. While writing this. And you know what? We were right. Nay, are right. The ability to tell a joke is a great superpower. Some are born with a good sense of humor (just as some are born incredible forklift operators), but being able to deliver a joke isn’t something you’re just born with. It takes know-how and lots of practice . . . complete with failures, weird glances, and cricket noises. But we’re here to help!

  Before we get into the thick of it, you need to know the one hard-and-fast rule in joke-telling: confidence. You’re funny! Your best friend knows it! Your family knows it! You know it! Telling a joke is a way of “putting yourself out there,” and that can feel kinda scary and risky. But do you know what helps those feelings? Selling it, baby! Telling a joke with confidence is what it’s all about.

  Now, let’s learn . . .

  HOW!

  TO!

  TELL!

  A!

  JOKE!

  How to Tell a Joke . . . at the Dinner Table:

  The dinner table at home is a great place to start. There is very little risk involved because everyone there already thinks you’re the coolest. Bonus: food is funny. (For proof, type “Charlie Chaplin dinner roll dance” into YouTube. Also, “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure breakfast.”) And, if you choose the right moment, your dinner table joke could become a family legend.

  A DELANEY STORY: One night my dad had worked tirelessly to make tuna noodle casserole, a meal I had never seen or tried before. It’s a funky-looking dish: picture a cooked lasagna with noodles and tuna salad. Sounds disgusting, right? It’s dee-LISH. Anyway, Dad calls us all down for dinner. The family and I are sitting around the table, and he brings out the casserole. Before he can tell us what it is, six-year-old me pipes up with, “What’re we having for dinner? Vomit?” Everyone laughed, and it’s referenced at family dinners TO THIS VERY DAY!

  That wasn’t the greatest joke ever told, but everyone in the room cracked up! Here’s why: timing, observation, and surprise.

  Timing: Our dad had just presented this dish, meaning everyone’s attention was on the meal. We were all looking at the same thing. Perfect moment for a joke!

  Observation: That thing looked gross! Like unidentified cafeteria mush trying to disguise itself as something normal, but failing. And let’s not pretend that the smell of cooked fish wafting through the house is very charming either. So, I compared the foreign dish to something I was much more familiar with: puke.

  Surprise: Our dad had worked hard preparing this dish. Everyone was probably expecting a comment more like “Oh, this looks scrumptious! Thank you, Father dear!” or “Ooh la la, look how fancy and casserole-y!” But instead, I surprised the room with an opposite reaction. These three techniques can be used in joke-telling anytime, anywhere!

  How to Tell a Joke . . . in the Classroom:

  The classroom—though slightly trickier than the dinner table—is a perfect joke-telling setting. But be warned, you want to be seen as funny, not the “class clown.” You know that kid we’re talking about: yells, bothers the teacher, tries too hard to get attention? While people may laugh at this kid’s jokes, you do not want to be this kid. This kid generally has VB (visible boogers).

  A MACKENZIE STORY: One fateful day in third grade, my school was having an assembly on not doing drugs (as you do), and the speaker had a Luke Skywalker–esque robot hand. This wasn’t revealed until the climax of his story, when he yelled “I WAS ON DRUGS AND THE NEXT DAY I WOKE UP IN A DITCH WITH MY HAND CUT OFF!” And then, to prove to us he wasn’t lying, he rotated his robot hand all the way around, and everyone screamed because it was terrifying. (Or because some kids weren’t paying attention and were like, “Hey, Peter, want to play Magic cards after schoo—AHHH WHAT IS THAT GUY’S HAND DOING?!? I KNEW A ROBOT INVASION WAS UPON US!!!”)

  About a month later, I had to give a report to my class on robotics or technology or something I was vaguely terrible at. At the end of the presentation, without mentioning the former drug addict guy, I rotated a fake hand I was holding underneath my sleeve. Everyone laughed because it was a simple reference to a shared experience most had forgotten. At the time, I didn’t know this had a name or a firm place in joke history. Funny girls, I introduce you to “the callback”—when you make a joke that connects with something that happened a while ago. The callback, much like a baby spooked by the sound of its own fart, is almost always funny.

  How to Tell a Joke . . .in Class When Reading Aloud:

  There’s nothing worse than having to listen to someone read aloud in class when they are monotone, quiet, and petrified. So when it’s your turn, get into it. (I mean, don’t go overboard and come in dressed like Sarah, Plain and Tall. Unless you want to.) Try doing voices, mouth-based sound effects, or reading lines that end with an exclamation point in an EXCLAMATORY WAY, LIKE THIS!

  If you’re thinking, “Okay, I did it a little bit, but if I keep this voice going, people will get bored of it,” you’re wrong! They love it! They want more! Your commitment to your reading will perk people up, make them laugh, and get them into the book. Added bonus: your teacher will like you more for being enthusiastic. Check-plus in participation, here you come!

  How to Tell a Joke . . . at Play Rehearsal:

  Take an object, and . . . wait for it . . . use it in a way it’s not generally used! Boom. This is called “prop humor.” Let’s say you’re playing the lovable yet rapacious orphan Pepper in Annie. Take your orphan broom, put it through the arm of your T-shirt (or dirty orphan smock, if you’re in dress rehearsals), and pretend to have a wooden arm. Now be an old sea dog! Or spin it around and scream, “I WAS ON DRUGS AND I WOKE UP IN A DITCH WITH MY HAND CUT OFF!” . . . Actually that one might not play in this situation. Stick with “sea dog.”

  Some of you may be thinking, “That sounds really stupid.” And you are correct. It is really stupid. But a lot of times, the sheer moronic nature of something is why people laugh. Remember! If you do something with confidence, it generally won’t fail. Plus, you’re a bored orphan in musical rehearsal, just tryin’ to get by, so it’s okay.

  Now go out there and play with those props that you’re not supposed to be playing with!

  How to Tell a Joke . . . at a Birthday Party:

  Birthday parties are the best place to make grown-ups laugh. And it feels really good to make old people laugh. It’s like giving to charity, or something. Because old people’s lives are full of sad, monotonous things like paying taxes, and watching the news, and making sure their automatic e-mail signatures look professional. Plus, they’re probably stressed, as they’ve been working so hard to put this party together. They need a good chuckle.

  There is a very easy formula for this: pretend like it isn’t a party for kids. Say and do things your parents would say and do at a grown-up party. For example, when a mom or dad asks what you’d like to drink, say the name of the drink you want, then say “on the rocks.” Like, “Coca-Cola, on the rocks.” Or, if you don’t like ice in your drink, say “Coca-Cola, neat.” This is a joke for parents. They’ll like it, they’ll laugh really hard, and then they’ll go tell the other parents about it. And all your friends will be like, “Duhhhh, what does that even mean?” And you’ll get to roll your eyes and be like, “Nothing. It’s just for the adults. Go back to your game of tag, plebes.”

  Another example: Say there’s a bouncy house, or some other high-energy activity. A great line while you take a break is, “I’m getting too old for this.” Or something about how brittle and old your bones are. Maybe mention your hip
problems. The grown-ups will laugh because you are being “ironic,” while also making them feel understood.

  How to Tell a Joke . . .When Dealing with a Bully:

  If someone’s being mean to you, don’t be mean right back at them. Not only is that too easy, but it’s what your bully wants you to do. Instead, do something they will never expect: make jokes! If a bully makes fun of something you’re wearing, a great way to shut them up is to join in. Have a solid joke prepared about your own outfit, and be ready to say it when that dumb bully gives you an opportunity.

  For example: say you’re rockin’ a super-fine pair o’ overalls (which are so back in, and these two writers are so happy about it). Now, because mean girls wear boring clothes, one might look you up and down and sneer and go, “What are you wearing?” That’s when you respond, in a cartoonishly heavy Southern accent, “M’ farm clothes!” and walk away. You’ll have made a few onlookers laugh, and the mean girl will be totally thrown off, which means you win.

  * * *

  In conclusion, just go for it. There will be times when people make you feel like you’re not funny, you can’t be funny, or you shouldn’t be funny, just because you’re a girl. Some boys are intimidated by funny girls. Or some girls who think that being popular or blending in is the most important thing in the world can also feel threatened or confused by your sense of humor. When people respond that way, remember that they’re wrong, and then prove it to them with your own brand of funny. Then go home and read this book written by women who have faced this same thing all their lives.

  Now . . . make a fart noise with your mouth, because this paragraph was way too serious.

  THE END!

  In Which Young Raina Learns a Lesson

  By Raina Telgemeier

  Dear Grandpa:

  Give Me Money

  By Alison DeCamp